A loss

They say that writing things out is therapy for the soul. I would have to agree. It helps to get things off of your mind as well as providing you an outlet for telling lots of peoples things all at once. Well on April 30 I was the happiest I had been in a long time. I was finally pregnant. I took three tests just to make sure and each one came back positive. After three years we were finally going to have a second child! I told Joel and he was so happy too. Then that Sunday after getting home something was wrong. On Monday it was worse so I went in to my Dr. They did an ultrasound but as I wasn't far along they couldn't really diagnosis anything so the next step was drawing my blood. Then I had to go in again on that Wednesday for another blood draw right before we left on vacation. The office called me with the results and said that things were looking good so I was starting to feel more comfortable. I started thinking of baby names and wondering how we would ever fit a crib in our bedroom with our new large furniture taking up so much room. But it wasn't meant to be. As we were driving home from our Disney vacation I felt sharp pains. I went to bed that night hoping it was something else. The Dr had me come in on that Monday for one last blood draw but I already knew the results. I was having a miscarriage. All the joy left me that day. My heart had never been broken so badly. The aching I felt at losing this little dream was more then I could bear. All I could do was lay in bed and cry. All J could do was hold me while I soaked his shirt with my tears. I tried to look at the positive, hoping that this meant we could get pregnant again. My heart is still trying to recover from this. I'll find myself feeling fine and thinking things are pretty good, but then I'll hear a small baby cry and my heart breaks again. When it does break, it's not as bad as the first time, but it still hurts. Hopefully the pain will continue to lessen as time passes. Hopefully the dream of having another child in our home will come true.