time and feelings..

Has it really been so long since I last posted anything? Guess so..  I don't know exactly where to start or if anyone reads this anymore. It seems like blogging for a lot of people has come to a stop. No more updates and those that do update I almost feel like I am stalking them. Almost. :-) 
So I still am not pregnant. I thought that maybe after a year my body would get pregnant again, but it hasn't. How sad am I? Well.. pretty sad. I feel like not being able to have children has made me less of a woman. It's not a fun feeling. I feel like I have failed at something that seems to be so natural to other women. It's not like we haven't been trying. I've done fertility drugs. I'm taking natural herbs to restore my body's balance. I've prayed. I've cried. I've been accepting of the fact that maybe only one child is all my body will give me. Then I've cried some more saying how is this fair? My sweet husband says he still loves me and that he's fine with just having one child. I feel like I've failed him. I feel especially sad if I never have another one as he wasn't able to be there for the birth of A. I've been just such a mix of everything lately. For six years, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. The highs have been so high and then the lows have almost knocked me down so hard it's hard to get up again. Having had miscarriages I don't know if I will ever trust my body to get pregnant and carry full-term. If you have never had a miscarriage then consider that a blessing. If you have had a miscarriage my heart aches with you. I admit I was even angry at Heavenly Father for me having to go through this. I still don't know what lesson I'm supposed to learn. No one has been able to give me an answer. I can only keep hoping that I can learn to be okay with not having another baby. That it isn't in God's plan for me to have more then one child. J talks about adoption, but considering how much that costs and all the debt we have, I don't see that as a viable option for at least a few more years. So all I can do is continue to pray, learn to laugh though my heart is broken, and steal some snuggles for other peoples babies.